Published April 11, 2017

Shelia Shares
"I Couldn't Watch"

If it were necessary for me to die to save you, I might be willing to die.

However, if someone needed to die for you, don't bother asking for one of my sons. I'm not willing for either of them to die for you.

When Andrew was six weeks old, I spent one night walking the floor with him while he had this high-pitched, pitiful little scream. At 7 a.m. when our pediatrician's doors were unlocked, I was there. The doctor saw Andrew for five minutes and told me he probably had meningitis. Meningitis is an infection of the brain and spinal fluids that can leave permanent mental damage. In a baby, it causes a severe headache and results in that pitiful little scream.

My pediatrician called the hospital immediately. I took Andrew straight to the hospital pediatrics floor. The doctor was waiting for me.

After a quick physical check, they told me they needed to do a spinal tap to confirm their initial diagnosis. They needed outer clothing completely removed. I did that. Then the doctor told me to hold Andrew on the little table while he did a spinal tap. I took one look at that humongous needle, I looked at my tiny baby and I knew I had seen enough.

I said, "It's your job. You hold him. I'm going down to registration and checking my son into the hospital. I'll do the paperwork, you do the spinal tap." I turned around and left pediatrics. Nobody tried to stop me.

I knew the spinal tap was necessary. I also knew that I couldn't handle any more of seeing my son suffer. I needed to turn my back.

When I returned to the pediatrics' floor, Andrew was in a little crib and they had already started treatment for the meningitis. (There was no permanent damage, for which we are thankful.)

God didn't come to the earth to save us. He could have. He sent His Son.

How could He do that? How could He stand to see His Son be mistreated, suffer and die a painful death?

I've always heard that God turned His back and there was darkness when Jesus died because a pure God couldn't look on sin. That is true.

But, possibly, God felt like I did. He knew that Jesus had to die. It was necessary for the plan of salvation. Jesus was His son — His only Son. Maybe God turned His back because He had had enough. He didn't want to handle any more of seeing His Son suffer knowing that He had the ability to stop it.

I'm not willing to give either of my sons for you. Aren't you glad God was willing to send Jesus, His only Son? We are so blessed!

- Shelia

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